Who were you?

Thinking about dying could change how you're living.

by Priscilla Lundquist
Serenity Ward, an energetic, easygoing 18-year-old, has written her own eulogy. Wanting to come face-to-face with her own death, the second-year University of Minnesota student wrote the eulogy as if a close friend of hers were delivering it. Her love for Jesus, friends, and family make up most of her personal narrative.

It was not easy for Ward to picture herself dead, and contemplating what friends and family would want to remember about her was painful. But Ward also discovered that facing her death helped her realize what she wants to accomplish before she dies. "It made me think about how I wanted to be more intentional in my actions," says Ward. Thinking about death made dying less scary and not as "terrible." Ward says the exercise changed how she viewed life and death. "It was something very intimidating for me," Ward says.

Writing your own eulogy might sound depressing and morbid. Americans, after all, tend to avoid subjects that remind us of our own mortality. "We're sort of hard-wired to avoid negative things, painful things," says Shmuel Lissek, Ph.D., psychology professor at the University of Minnesota.

So why would thinking about death be a good thing? Does avoiding the topic of death damage you? How does facing our mortality benefit us as individuals and as members of a community?

Part of our widespread fear of death is that no one knows exactly what happens when you close your eyes for the last time. "We all know [we are] going to die," says Chad Marsolek, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota. "[But, there is] no absolute understanding about what it entails." Physically our bodies decompose, but the unknown about the afterlife can be scary. No one can tell us what it is like to die. We fear the unknown, and death is a big unknown. Experts agree that talking about death and normalizing the thought of death waters down the anxiety, fear, and pain. "If death is always linked to anxiety, and that is the only context that I experience death in, that connection is going to be very strong," says Lissek. Talking and thinking about death creates links to other emotions, besides anxiety, weakening that link.

Talk therapy has been around since Freud, Lissek goes on to say. It is based on the idea that talking through and processing our emotions helps us overcome our fears and prepares us to face them. "If you have a thought or a memory [that is] uncomfortable, and you always avoid it, [it is] going to remain very emotionally charged," says Lissek. Thinking about death, "normalizing" the thought of passing away, weakens the negative feelings associated with dying. That's why writing her own eulogy made death less frightening for Ward. If we talk and think about death, we lessen our death anxiety.

"We've been able to bracket [death] off, put it in box, close it up in a room somewhere," says Philip Sellew, Ph.D., professor in the Near East and Classical Studies department and of the "Death and the Afterlife" class at the University. In our urbanized society, the sick and dying are sent to hospitals and nursing homes to receive care, Sellew continues. Even the death of the animals we eat is removed from us. Death becomes unreal, something that will happen, but not for a while. "The expectation is that death [is not] around the corner-- [it is] over the horizon," says Sellew. Pushing death back keeps us from having to face that reality.

But when we realize that life has an end, experts say, we appreciate the time we do have here on earth. "The law of supply and demand makes us value the things in limited supply,"says Lissek. If we know we have a limited supply of days, we will value them more, he goes on to say. "Life is precious and important precisely because it is finite, fragile, and fleeting," writes Vincent Barry, Ph.D., in "Philosophical Thinking about Death and Dying."

Accepting your death can also help you focus on what is most important to you and help you prioritize what you want to get done before you go, according to Barry. When Ward wrote her own eulogy, she barely mentioned her dream job of becoming a teacher. Instead, she focused on relationships. "The most important relationship of all is my relationship with Jesus Christ, and that's what I base all my relationships on," Ward says.

Ward's realization that the nonmaterial parts of life matter most to her is common. Death brings us all to the same level, according to Lissek. The balance in your checking account, the number of friends you have on Facebook, your SAT scores-- none of them matter on your deathbed. Some people may have a more expensive coffin or more friends at the funeral, but everyone dies. "[We are] all in this boat together," says Lissek. This leveling factor can be used to bring us together. Death makes us realize we are not that different; coming to terms with this truth early in life can make us bond and connect with people different from ourselves.

Whether you decide to write your eulogy or simply recognize that life is short, facing the inevitable guides you to what is truly important in life and paradoxically reduces your anxiety about dying. Mortality is something that all humans have in common. When we realize that we all will die, it can bring us together, help us overcome our differences, and realize that we are all human. Economic status, race, religion, culture will not matter once we are dead.

Read more about the University of Minnesota's Psychology Department
Learn more about writing your own eulogy
and how writing their own eulogy made some Australians happy




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